“IF I DIE, IT’S FROM A LAG” by JJ Peña

1. you & your little red kia are missing
2. you’re not answering calls or texts & you’re not at your apartment
3. my sister is with the police
4. most people, the police officers say, who threaten suicide in a dramatic fashion don’t go through with it.
5. what i want my sister to ask the police: why are all suicides in movies dramatic then?
6. my brother jose has gotten up & taken over the living room tv. he’s playing the video game Fortnite
7. the dogs want to be walked. one’s scratching at the door. i wonder if dogs know when something bad has happened, if they can sniff whispers from the wind
8. what i want my sister to ask the police: how long do we have before it’s too long?
9. in emergencies, police officers can ping someone’s location using GPS. this only works if someone hasn’t disabled their phone
10. jose’s gutting another player to death with a knife, explaining, everyone runs for the guns so fast that they forget, anything’s a gun when all you’re trying to do is kill
11. your find-my-phone app is off & police can’t determine your precise location, but they have an approximate location—you’re within a five-mile radius
12. i tell jose you’re missing, that this morning you facetimed our sister & promised to kill yourself—crying that you were waste without her love—& he doesn’t stop playing or pause the game. instead, he yells at the tv: HE HIT ME? WOW. OKAY. IF I DIE, IT’S FROM A LAG.
13. what i want my sister to ask the police: what words can save a life?
14. jose’s character dies. he flings his controller away & leans back into the couch. the dogs rush him & try to crowd his face in licks. he dodges tongues & says, if she’s given up living, she’s a dumbass. fucking dumb.

For two more flash essays by JJ Peña or other great literary nonfiction in issue 19.2, order now in our online store. Digital copies are only $5!