Remember when, riding in the back of your parents’ old Dodge van, which spewed black noxious smoke and had way too many miles on it and was by all measures totally and completely uncool, you and your older sister used to crouch in the backseat to avoid being spotted by your junior-high classmates? And remember how you used to play Mad Libs to dull the pain when the popular kids pointed and laughed at the FOR SALE sign that your parents insisted on posting prominently in the van’s cracked window, shouting “I’ll give you five dollars!”?
Well, we’re going to re-create this memory for you, minus the crushing shame component. This year our amazing writing program is even more so due to the hiring of Danielle Deulen and Chris Bachelder—and because the latter also happens to be a two-time Cincinnati Review contributor, we’ve selected his work for our literary Mad Lib treatment. (It’s a tribute. Sort of. Anyway, he gave us permission.) So: The following is an excerpt from Chris Bachelder’s “Like Dylan at Newport,” from CR 3.1. In the fashion of Mad Libs, we’ve removed some of the words. Give it your best, most creative shot filling them in—then leave your contest entry as a comment on this post by clicking its title. Winners get the choice of free back issue, CR thermos, or CR slingpack.
The ______ ward is in the basement of the ghetto hospital. Dan Boone and Lester come in through the nonautomatic front door, drunk, smelly, and the lobby is packed, bad news, people have gone and gotten themselves very ______. There’s a lot of ____ing and _____ing. There’s plenty of blood, hardly any ________, looks like. Dan gives the rest of an opened beer to some _______ guy who has what looks like a ________ coming out of his abdomen.
1) Kool-aid
2) psychedelic
3) singing
4) chanting
5) Republicans
6) poet
7) literary journal
The MY MOTHER SHOULD CHECK SNOPES.COM BEFORE HITTING SEND ward is in the basement of the ghetto hospital. Dan Boone and Lester come in through the nonautomatic front door, drunk, smelly, and the lobby is packed, bad news, people have gone and gotten themselves very HOOKED ON GOVERNMENT CHEESE. There’s a lot of DRY HUMPING and FARTING THE JAWS THEME. There’s plenty of blood, hardly any WILFRED BRIMLEY’S MOUSTACHE, looks like. Dan gives the rest of an opened beer to some MAMA’S FAMILY: THE COMPLETE SEASON 4 ON DVD AND BLU-RAY guy who has what looks like a MITT ROMNEY coming out of his abdomen.
1) *Cats*
2) sparkly
3) stretching
4) meowing
5) straight guys
6) unitarded
7) Republican
1. pet adoption
2. sentimental
3. oohing
4. awwing
5. Pomeranians
6. sheep-looking
7. second head
1. Bachelder
2. Bachelder
3. Bachelder
4. Bachelder
5. Bachelder
6. Bachelder
7. Bachelder
1. sushi
2. tunafishy
3. roe-ing
4. rice-ing
5. avocado
6. Philadelphia-rolled
7. cream cheese
1. alcoholic
2. tattooed
3. piercing
4. fornicating
5. screams
6. horned
7. Buick
The luncheon-meat ward is in the basement of the ghetto hospital. Dan Boone and Lester come in through the nonautomatic front door, drunk, smelly, and the lobby is packed, bad news, people have gone and gotten themselves very liverwursty. There’s a lot of corning and beefing. There’s plenty of blood, hardly any Russian dressing, looks like. Dan gives the rest of an opened beer to some grateful-looking formerly beerless guy who has what looks like a cappicola coming out of his abdomen.
1. come-to-Jesus
2. biblical
3. blessing
4. barn-building
5. live livestock
6. Amish
7. beautifully-woven basket
1. zombie
2. emotional
3. waddling
4. yodeling
5. excitement
6. questionable
7. duck
The interplanetary ward is in the basement of the ghetto hospital. Dan Boone and Lester come in through the nonautomatic front door, drunk, smelly, and the lobby is packed, bad news, people have gone and gotten themselves very black-holey. There’s a lot of star-gazing and worm-holing. There’s plenty of blood, hardly any nebuae, looks like. Dan gives the rest of an opened beer to some Captain Kirk guy who has what looks like a space slug coming out of his abdomen.
The Burt ward is in the basement of the ghetto hospital. Dan Boone and Lester come in through the nonautomatic front door, drunk, smelly, and the lobby is packed, bad news, people have gone and gotten themselves very merry Christmases. There’s a lot of breathing and looking. I am morphing. There’s plenty of blood, hardly any thing that’s not blood, looks like. Dan gives the rest of an opened beer to some Buddy guy who has what looks like a torso coming out of his abdomen.
shaving brush
rainwashed
groveled
chucked
brick
psychotic
train station
🙂
slackward
delusional
technophiling
technophobing
left-overs
fisheyed
smokescreen