Gil Butsen Ford

Here at Gil Butsen Ford, we’d like to provide you with some free personal information—information that’ll put a smile on your face! That’s just the sort of extra service you can expect from Gil Butsen Ford. You come on down to Gil Butsen Ford, and the first thing we’re looking to put you in is a good mood. Second, we’ll put you in a brand-new or previously owned Ford vehicle, but first thing is that stuff about the mood. At Gil Butsen Ford, we know that how you’re doing isn’t often given that sort of high priority—not at home, not at your workplace down at the school board administration office. Certainly not in Pensions and definitely not from those other two in the next cubicle, Jessica M. and Jessica P. Those whorebags wouldn’t give two hoots about what kind of a mood you’re in—let alone if you’re driving something safe, comfortable, and reliable. Not unless it’s your turn to carpool for lunch and you have to chauffeur their skinny asses to Bennigan’s. And then they seem to care very deeply about what sort of car you drive, don’t they, taking it almost as a personal affront, all freaked out about a few mushy animal crackers or having to move the booster seat, or making cracks about how the whole Buick smells like your dead bachelor uncle, and who drives a 1996 Buick LeSabre, anyway? That’s not the sort of business we’ll give you at Gil Butsen Ford. Gil Butsen has a credo and it’s this: Don’t Give People the Business. Why do it? Why get on them about things they can’t help, like the fact that their car is an embarrassment and also a Buick and smells like their uncle, who was a fine, lovely man and had many great qualities, such as his lifelong devotion to scouting and his love of Spike Jones (the one with the bike horns and penny whistles, not the movie director). Not everyone has a credo—certainly not those two ninnies in the next cubicle—but when you have one, it should be a good one, and that’s ours. That’s it in a nutshell. But here at Gil Butsen Ford, we also say, You CAN Help It, in a Way, because we’re experts at coming up with clever payment plans that make it, in fact, possible and easy to get you in a Ford Fusion, Focus, or Edge, 2014 or newer. Because at Gil Butsen, we feel there’s no such thing as “no way,” and also, thirty-eight is not dead, no matter what those catty bitches think. At Gil Butsen Ford, we can offer you several examples of actual friends of friends whom we’ve really met—women, with kids—who successfully started over in the dating scene—at your age, yes—and did not have to settle for someone unattractive or cruel or boring and “safe,” the type of guy who would never discover that little spot behind your ear and how it gives you goose bumps, someone whose best feature is just that he isn’t playing you for a dope, two-timing you, or taking a creepy overinterest, all too fast, in filling the daddy role for your two boys. And also, we offer balloons.

Maybe it’s just the special way we tend to see things down here at Gil Butsen Ford, but we’re really curious: What do your stupid ol’ coworkers know, anyway? What do they know really about having to make do when things go all to crap? Do they know the first thing about what that’s like? At Gil Butsen Ford, we believe those two don’t know dick about that. They probably think you could have easily taken your ex’s 2016 Explorer in the settlement, but why would you when that was the car you were driving the day you found out, and you just pulled into a stranger’s driveway and sat there with the engine idling, staring at a rose bed like a catatonic, the boys jabbering nonsense to each other in the back seat, till the homeowner, some retired schoolteacher, who probably recognized you, for god’s sake, from Pensions, knocked on your window and had you roll it down and talked to you softly, kneeling there in her gardening clothes, like a police mediator coaxing some nut down off a ledge, until she got you to accept some lemonade and to shut off the engine and come sit in the garden and talk while the boys chased each other around her yard, and you felt like such a fool. Just a fool. So why in the hell would you ever drive that car again? You’d have to be a nut, and at Gil Butsen, we know you’re not a nut.

Come on down to Gil Butsen Ford this week, and T. T. and Uncle Eddie in the Service Department will show you how to cripple a guy if he gets out of line—with just a sharp stomp on his instep with the heel of your shoe. And while you’re here, the gals in Accounting will help you pick out shoes from Zappos to wear with that new dress for Saturday night.

At Gil Butsen Ford, we think you deserve more than just the basics, so while safety and reliability and comfort are things we demand on your behalf, we think you’re worth a little extra—like how about a state-of-the-art sound system so you can drown out the Jessicas when they’re snickering in back about that new guy you’re seeing, Dennis? At Gil Butsen, we think you’d rather be listening to Paul Simon, Adele, maybe Neko Case, than a lot of garbage about how this new guy is an “operator.” Ford’s voice-activated SYNC 3 technology offers seamless connectivity to your digital devices and, paired with the premium twelve-speaker B&O Play package, with virtually every song you’ve ever loved accessible at your command, that’ll more than block out anyone saying you’re a “desperate hag” or “driving like a grandma.” Over fifty-five years in the same location means that Gil Butsen knows jealous bitchiness when he hears it, and there’s zero reason you need to be subjected to it, so crank up the tunes!

Here at Gil Butsen Ford, we say keep heading down the road, and forget about the rearview mirror. And with the new 360-degree camera available in the 2018 Expedition, there’s even less reason to look back. The folks at Gil Butsen know you only thought you were happy in that so-called marriage, and that is done now, and good riddance! We know you’re lonely and unsure if you’re making the right choices, and that’s why we’ve got a full-size professional popcorn cart right in the showroom with popcorn popping all day long. Come on in to Gil Butsen Ford and grab a hot greasy handful—it’s the good kind of greasy!—and we’ll have a chuckle about what a doofus your ex was and is and how you really should’ve split ages ago when you discovered the Russian bride sites. Heck, that’s way back when we introduced hybrid versions of our top-selling midsize sedans, starting with the ever-popular Ford Fusion! At Gil Butsen, that seems like olden times.

At Gil Butsen Ford, we think you should stop looking to the past: Stop kicking yourself every morning for not going with veterinary school. Just enjoy the pets you have, but another credo at Gil Butsen is Only as many animals in the house as children is a good rule of thumb. And we would also suggest: No more cats, huh? At Gil Butsen Ford, we know there’s nothing like the smell of a new, or nearly new, gently used car, but there’s also nothing like the smell of crazy, and it smells a lot like cat. So please, please don’t turn into a cat lady. You turn into a cat lady, and that sort of “voids the warranty,” as we’d say here at Gil Butsen, in terms of any predictions regarding your future with Dennis.

And remember, at Gil Butsen, we believe a fully informed customer is a happy customer—is a customer! When you know the facts, we think you’ll be pleased.

In fact, as we said, we’re very interested in providing you with this free information. All of us at Gil Butsen Ford have taken turns following this new guy, Dennis, tailing him throughout his day, and we want you to rest assured, we think Dennis is being straight with you. Sixty-five . . . maybe seventy-five percent sure. Come on in and take a test drive and we’ll spend the ride going over the details. It’s not an extensive file, and we really don’t think there are all that many questionable things about his movements, that we’ve observed anyway, but we’ll let you look it over and see what you think, and you decide. And we might be persuaded to let you leave the showroom with our report in hand—we’ll have to talk to our manager about that, see what we can do.

And right now, if you make an offer on a previously owned Ford Fiesta, Fusion, Fusion Hybrid, or Focus, or sign a lease on a brand-new 2018 Ford Focus or Escape, or put just two thousand down on a 2017 Ford Edge, Flex, or Explorer, Gil Butsen and his wife will personally watch the kids while you go off on a romantic weekend with this new guy, Dennis.

Or if that doesn’t work out—wherever. Somewhere, right? Somewhere else?

Read more from Issue 15.2.