Cleave

This is a love poem.

First, you place your hands on the door.

Phantosmia is the smell of something not there

Wrong: first, she closes the door before bed, so that 
should you wake in the night and smell smoke,
you may place your hands on the door in order 
to feel for and determine the intensity of heat.

Olfactory hallucinations can be caused by 
infections, polyps, migraines, or tumors

We lived above a gully, which she informed me 
would be a lightning-quick conduit for fire, 
should someone below drop a match or flick
a cigarette from the window of their car.

Phantom odors can also be a symptom 
of withdrawal, depression, or psychosis

And our house was wooden.
And the live oaks on either side were dry.
And the foxtails and the chaparral
were thick like crumpled newsprint under kindling.

The smell of burning was long believed
to presage a stroke

Therefore, the plan:
always have an escape route:
through the window over my desk,
gripping the gutter and drainpipe for balance, 
out onto the roof of the carport, then down, 
then up to the road and mailbox where she
would be waiting to save me, unless she was trapped

or already dead, in which case I was
to go to the neighbors if they weren’t on fire, 
and they would keep me safe until
I could live with my cousins in Phoenix or with 
my godparents in Chico, anywhere but here
if it no longer was.

Persistent hallucinations can be distressing 
and can disrupt a person’s quality of life

                                                                       It was
all so careful, so well prepared,
this nightly rehearsal: closing my eyes, 
counting down till the smoke arrived,

watching in helpless horror as my 
small palms blistered, charred to ash
pressed against the dream-door of flame

which she’d closed just after kissing me 
and saying she loved me
and turning her back 
and walking away.

Read more from Issue 21.1.